Five dates. Zero sparks. One very high-stakes comic book.

Janet is a data architect who prefers the logical consistency of code to the messy variables of human interaction. She has a thriving career, a judgmental ginger cat named Jonesy, and a prize possession that defines her soul: a mint-condition, 1963 X-Men #1.

But Janet's mother, Eleanor, has other plans. Convinced that her daughter is one "pediatric surgeon with a Golden Retriever" away from a domestic epiphany, Eleanor pulls the ultimate power move: she locks Janet's precious comic in a high-security safe. The only way to get it back? Janet must survive five dates curated by The Agency?an elite matchmaking service run by a woman who wears enough turquoise to be seen from space.

To win her "mutants" back, Janet must endure ninety minutes of meaningful dialogue with a gauntlet of modern dating's finest disasters:

• The Fitness Freak: Who thinks an ice bath is a personality trait.
• The Crypto-Bro: Who wants to tokenize their potential relationship.
• The Mama's Boy: Who doesn't make a move without a three-way conference call.
• The Intellectual Snob: Who peer-reviews her hair and cites his red flags in MLA format.
• The Traditionalist: Who wants to trade her career for a "walled garden" and a calfskin binding.

Armed with a spreadsheet titled Operation_Endure_The_Agency.xlsx and a razor-sharp wit, Janet sets out to prove that some things aren't meant to be "optimized."

Marriage? No, Thanks! is a satirical, fast-paced "anti-romance" for anyone who has ever been told they are "too picky," anyone who prefers a server rack to a wedding rack, and anyone who knows that sometimes, the only "perfect match" is the one you find in a comic book shop.

Will Janet reclaim her inheritance, or will the Agency finally find a glitch in her single-girl programming?